However, I haven’t always felt safe enough to explore these routes. To do so would have meant that I would need to risk something, potentially experiencing rejection, judgment and consequently pain. This fear caused contraction, as opposed to openness.
I have come to learn that I remained fearful, and therefore frozen, because I did not have a predictable and secure relationship with dependency.
Separateness is at odds with our biology. We are born with the capacity and the need to do better. With this neuroplasticity, we can develop more fulfilling connections by seeking and adding in the things we missed—the care, attention and acceptance that we were not given. We can come to learn that nothing is “wrong” with us at our core, but rather things went wrong for us.
Researcher Jim Coan identified in his 2006 study that when a loved one holds your hand in a time of distress, it takes the hurt away. Those who were touched by their partners rated their pain significantly less than those who had to go it alone. The soothing effect of connection could be seen in scans of areas deep in the brain.
When we develop links to others, we mend the disconnections within ourselves. And yet for many legitimate reasons, closeness (platonic, romantic and sexual) is fraught with complication, struggle and hurt. Instead of identifying these boundaries by their limitations, I look at them as meeting places—a location where new interactions can take place.
She has done so in a variety of capacities including as a licensed clinical social worker & psychotherapist, a writer and commentator, and a community organizer implementing population-based interventions.
Lia, a white, cisgendered, pansexual, married, class-straddling woman, graduated with distinction from Columbia University, specializing in Advanced Clinical Social Work Practice and has received awards for innovative research and excellence in the provision of therapeutic care to vulnerable populations. Most notably, Lia has experience partnering with adolescents, adults, couples and families in community-based organizations, health centers, academic, and private practice group settings. She is oriented toward experiential and emotion-focused therapies, drawing on individualized, culturally-sensitive, and holistic models of treatment. Lia aims to make therapeutic services more accessible and less stigmatized.
Lia began her professional career in public health, managing a national component of President Obama’s initiative to reduce teen pregnancy across the nation. In this role, she sharpened her skills as a sexual health educator and presenter, in order to ensure increased access to sexual and reproductive health care in 11 communities in the U.S. Currently, Lia is in private practice. She also demonstrates her care and concern about the health outcomes of communities as the Director of Head and Heart of THE WELL, a 14,000 square foot wellness club opening in downtown Manhattan.
